The Life We Choose to Live

Well, once again I have failed to keep up with posting on this regularly. I should give up on that futile idea and just say that Ill update as I can :)

As far as that goes, where do I even begin?

Live is so crazy, and lately I have felt it. It's finally all caught up with me and has just been wearing me down. I always chalk it up to working too much or having too much homework, but that is SO not the case. I could handle that kind of work, because its not a heavy load. I need to find these stresses that are waying down on me, and fight them off. I shouldn't normally be tired on a Wednesday at 8p.m. but I am! However, i let the littlest of things annoy me some days. What kills me are the days when no one is grateful! Just the other day I held the door open for AT LEAST 4 elderly people. People that I would of hoped lived through chivalry and all that. NONE of them even thanked me or recognized me for my effort. I couldn't believe it! That wore me down so much when I went into work, and I could see my personality changed at the register.

Whats been hurting most lately I think is I just feel straight up lonely. The only family that I should/want to care about in Vegas right now is my mom. I miss my siblings to death and I love visiting Utah so much for that reason. I can see that they miss me when I am up there, but I don't know. It doesn't feel the same as when they visit. I do everything I can to spend every waking moment with them because they are only there for a few days. When I visit we just see each other when we can and call it good? I hate it so much! They are so much older, and I think that has always affected the relationship between us all(granted, we did have different mothers, but that never really mattered in my eyes). I wish I had a sibling my age...so I could have the relationship that my siblings have with each other. Being an only child is such a downfall that I wish I had control over, however that is completely beyond the scope of my powers and isn't even worth fantasizing about.

When I get back home, I am going to visit dads gravesite. I havent been there in much too long of a time and he needs to be seen more often. I love visiting him and cleaning off his stone. I feel like the gardener for him that he was for everyone else. Complete reminder of the circle of life in this world :). I wish he was around right now, I need a male role model. I need a father figure. I need a guiding light to shed some advice on what I need to do with my life. Im spinning down a pit of confusion on the next step in my life. I always ask myself"what would dad do?" and I can never really answer it with the certainty that he would actually do that. He was such an amazing role model that I will never be able to fill his shoes. I could try to be like him, try to make that impact on peoples lives like he did. I wont. I can't. Without his guiding light, I never will be able to.

....but I want to. I want to be who he was. I want to make people smile like he did. I want to make people remember me as a good man. I want people to know they can count on me. I want people to trust me. I want to be that warm spirit in the room. I want to be everyones friend.

Just tell me how...Show me what to do!

On the topic of what to do, I made a step to being more like my father today. I received the Melchezedik Priesthood, given to me by my brother, Matt. It was such a wonderful experience having it done by him. I truly felt like my dad was there, hands on my head with my brother. Inspiring him with things to say to bless me for my future, for my potential. I never will forget the feeling I had that day. Its not the first time I have felt my dad being with me, and I sure hope it isn't the last. Dustin was also able to step into the circle as well, and it was such a joy to have him there.

The male role models in life that I have are wonderful, but they're just not the right authority figure that I am seeking. I cant go to my brother for advice I would seek from my father. They sure are older but they aren't THAT much older :)

I swear I am bipolar when I write these...

A week or so ago, I realized that I want a fresh start. I dont know exactly what that means but it is what it is. I dont know if I need new people in my life, if I need a new location, or if I just need to change how I think about things. All I know is that change is around the corner and its ready to knock me on my heels if I am not ready.
I am not the biggest fan of change though. Its different, hard to adjust too, and most times others dont like it, even if you do. 9 times out of 10 there is some negative side to change. Cant please everyone right?

I will experience change, whether I want to or not.
Last question I have to ask however, is...
Will I be ready, to accept what has changed? or do I dismiss it as unneccesary?
-LM

Just Another Day...

Well - Things were good for a while. Like all things, the too-good becomes to the too bad, and its now happening on a regular basis.

I need a new hobby, something independent. I don't do much on my own anymore - I think that is a problem. Even when I play video games it has something to do with helping someone out. I need something that helps me. I need something selfish.

Ive never been one to WANT to care for myself. 9 times out of 10 I will risk something of my own to help that of another. I get shot down a lot for it, with little thanks or no appreciation at all. It is a weird road to travel down, but I do it on a daily basis. I need a detour, I need a fork in the road, I need an alternate route. I want something to change for the better in my life. I want something for myself.

Any suggestions?

On another note - Im tired of being taken granted of. Sure, I want to help you out - but it doesnt mean thats all I live for. Say thanks once in a while. I get on hands and knees to do some of the things I do, and for what? Rude comments? Unfair actions? Its uncalled for and deserves some action taken against it. I don't, because I cant. Its not that I cant do anything about it, its more of a "I can't do anything because I am too nice of a person" I let people walk on me, and its detrimental to my happiness. Sometimes I want to use a baseball bat on a face, and other times a saw to a limb. At the end of the day I don't, because even then I feel like I can help them in someway.

All in all, suck it up Seth.

-LM

Oh How Life Keeps You So Busy

It's been a long time, blog. Oh how I have missed you.

I've done quite a bit of changing over the time since my last post. A lot for which I will consider good. I'm slowly but surely kicking my pc addiction to the curb. I've been playing my ps3 with friends a lot more lately. It feels good! I didn't get it for just blurays!

While on the topic - I got Zombieland and Inglorious Bastards on blurry a little while ago. I forgot how much I loved both of those movies. Nothing is better than a little Tallahassee and a little BearJew! Zombieland I had watched pretty recently, so I remembered the funny parts but Inglorious Bastards, that had me rolling on the floor! I got J'Aime to watch zombieland, and she definently liked it! For some reason when bill Murray got shot, she felt like laughing like a maniac. It was funnier to watch her than the movie!

Also, with the new iPhone update I downloaded iBooks. Curious by how it worked I looked up some books. I liked the layout and ended up getting Ender's Shadow. Holy smokes! What an amazing read! I had just finished it last night! If you have read Enders Game, take the time to read about Bean, his shadow.

Home has turned into a pseudo work place! My mother and I are each redoing our bathrooms! It's turned into a very big job, but I believe I'll be quite happy with the end result. Until then I'll just have to keep working! Ugh!

Finally, on to a more emotion filled topic. J'Aime and I are still happily together! Sure while things get rough here and there, she is always still so amazing. Ludacris has a song that I said reminds me of her and it says (I'm paraphrasing) I can't live with you, I can't live without you. While I told her it's not 100% true, she chuckled because she knew what I meant. We each drive each other a little crazy, but that's love, right? Heh.

I have a new quote that I have fallen in love with, and I believe its something they say in the military - but I heard it in church today when they were talking about the prophets. It goes like this

----Ours Is Not To Question Why----
----Ours Is But To Do And Die------

I'm officially on twitter. I quite like it.
@SethMacDaddy

Until next time [which I hope won't be as long as this time]
-LM

Cruisin' Along

This past week or two has just flown by super fast. I've been so busy with so many things its unbelievable! However, a lot of things happened that need to be brought up!

Last weekend, J'Aime was able to come into town. Things turned out much better than we both thought they would. We had an absolutely amazing weekend together, and now she is only a week away from coming home. FOR GOOD. Finally, right? :] Anyways, in one weeks time I will be loading up into my car with the rest of her family, and we will be driving up to get her. It should be a good drive, just like last time - hopefully it will go by fast. I know that when she gets into the car I'll be floating, and I could careless how long the drive is.

Mothers Day just passed, and it was enjoyable. While I sadly woke up to late to make breakfast, I was able to cook dinner! With the observant eye of my mom, I made sloppy joes! (By the way, absolutely yummy!) We ate dinner together, and she really enjoyed the sentimental card I got. That was a shocker to her, since I usually get the joke-ish cards. :)

Work has been busy lately! I'm working 6 days this week, 5 last week, but these next few upcoming weeks will be a little lighter, with the trip to San Diego and the trip to SLC!

Speaking of the trip to SLC, Holy Crap! Troy is getting married! I can finally have an even number of brothers and sisters! Its about fricken time. Now I can have an EASY 3/3 split! :D Now, if only they all lived in Vegas instead of Utah, then I could be a bit happier, but oh well. Win some lose some, life goes on!

On a sadder note, I realized that in one weeks time it will be 5.19.2010. 4 Years have passed. Its weird having this date come around. Never been a big fan of May, and don't think I ever will be. However, I will be easily distracted that day (Driving to Cali), hopefully that will help. It'll be a somber day though. Hopefully I can make it out to the cemetery. Definitely [got it right first try!:D] going to be dreading June 20. Father's day is never a fun day anymore...

Can't wait to see all my fam at the end of the month. I need myself a good vacation.
-LM

Don't Bother...

Well, well, well...Today was a long, drawn out - extremely unpleasant day. Started the day out with waking up early, wishing for more sleep. Following the usual morning routine of shower/brush teeth/youtube, etc...I journeyed off to UNLV. After a PAINFUL class in Psych, I waited to go into my math class. Today wasn't just any ordinary day, I had exam #3 (out of 4). I feel like I did...mediocore[it's spelt wrong, dont care grammar nazis!]. After pulling my hair out through the test, I headed home. I was hungry, so I wanted to get some Carle's Jr (2x Western Bacon Cheeseburgers for $4!) Only to find out that I didn't have my wallet. I had to run home just to turn and go back. Ugh! After I was at home for a little bit working on my next english paper, I had to go to work. Work started pretty good, and then I had to stay in the store with a certain someone. Let's just say its a REALLY good thing it was slow. I had to stay an extra 40 minutes because a certain someone couldn't have me leave at 10, one manning the store until 10:30 when the graveyard shift is to show up. Upon leaving the store, arguements spring up from J'Aime. Ugh. What I would give for a vacation right now...

-LM[Pissed]

Monday Morning Once Again...

The Start of Another Long Week!
Well, Monday is here again. Woke up earlier than my alarm clock - uncool. Fell back asleep, then woke up again [earlier than the alarm clock AGAIN] - Even more uncool.

Yesterday was such a long day...
Sat through church with a pretty nasty upset stomache that I've been rockin' for a while now. Just need to throw up or something, although I would rather not. Then we went over to the Baile House for dinner with the grandparents. That was a nice experience, I just am not all that social with that part of the family. It has gotten easier over the years, but it is still just rough.

Today however, Monday, I'm going to do something I never thought I would. My mother and I will be heading down to the apple store today and picking her up a brand new iPhone. :O Yeah thats right folks, she is going to do it! Something tells me she will love it, and if not - well...she will love it. :] I'm very curious as to how today will go. I don't work today, so that is one bonus - Its my only day off until Sunday though.

Everyday that goes by it feels so empty. I'm almost down to having only one immediate family member in town, girlfriend won't be here for another month, and my best friend has been on vacation off and on for a month :\ It's me vs. the world, or something like that. I need a vacation, badly. Summer, where art though?

I need to find a spot out there, like my sister once had. "The Secret Spot" that no one ever knew about, and cars died at. :) I need just a place to escape to - to be able to run away from it all.

Today is Monday, and I have a long ways to go.
-LM

Wow Time Flies!

Holy smokes, its been too long since I have written on here. So much has happened over these past twenty-two days. Hm. Where where where to begin.

SCHOOL
Well, This part sucks for 1/4 reasons. The reason why it 1/4 sucks is because I have officially failed 1/4(1 out of 4) of my classes. The rest will be totally fine, pass with a/b in those, but informatics just is not going to happen. It is a shame that it has happened, but I feel like it was for the greater good? I don't want it to sound like I am making excuses as to why its okay to fail a class, but lately I have been having doubts about my major. SHOCKER! :) Anyways, lately I have given thought about pursuing a more math-related field. I really like the idea of being a sort-of financial advisor. I want to help families or small businesses manage their money and build up retirement funds. I think being able to make a difference to all those people would be great! Really, really sucks my GPA had to hurt in order for me to realize what I wanted. Summer school is around the corner and I need to jump on that :\ Shame on me for procrastination!!!!

HOME LIFE
Well, things have been smoothing along pretty well at home. Lately, I am never home between work and school. When I do get home, I crawl into "the cave" or I just crash in front of the TV. I've become what I would describe as a Zombie, except for the brains part. I "stand around and mumble" so to speak. I need a new hobby, something that is productive and fun! Keeping myself busy should be priority #1 and shouldn't be hard to accomplish after you add in work and school.

WORK
Wowwwweeeee. So much has happened, but not a lot to talk about? Things have indeed picked up speed, but so have I! Things aren't so stressful when its slammed! That is such a sigh of relief, you don't even know! However, the boss is gone for an amazing trip to Australia, so while its a lot less...stressful it's still hard work! Things are getting done and I seem to be there a whole lot more! It is such a good feeling to come home after a long day at work, go shower, then go to bed. I feel so accomplished for some reason. (Probably because its my first job, I am sure I wont feel like this in a year :P) Everything is going very well as far as I am concerned, just a couple rough, old things that need to be dealt with.

GIRLFRIEND:]
The best part of my life to write about. :) Things got pretty tough a while back. We had some incredibly "moronic" (Thanks for the word J'Aime :)) girls starting drama between J'Aime and I. Wowow, so much drama. After false accusations of CHEATING on her, I have found out just how much I value this young lady. With the fear of her following these people, I realized how crippled my life would be without her. "You never know what you have until its gone" does not even apply. I didn't lose her, but I came so freaking close that it sure felt like it. I haven't had nearly the time or energy I usually have had to talk to her, and it is rough. Everyday I realize that I should talk to her more often, I just get preoccupied and sidetracked that I never get around to it. Definitely(By the way, I never spell that word right...) need to improve on my time-management with her!

Well...
There's the update folks. I'll try to post more often...

ENJOY MY THREE FAVORITE "SWEET" SONGS POSTED ON THE SIDEBAR! :]]
"If I can hear myself while screaming the lyrics, I turn the volume up louder...its the only way to listen to these songs" -LM

A Sigh of Relief

Ah, let me tell you what. Spring break is a wonderful experience that should happen more than once a year, let me tell you. J'Aime made it into town today and I was finally reunited with the love of my life. I was able to hang out with her and her roommates all day long and it was an absolute blast. I swear, its like a parallel universe that I travel to when she is around. All the worries of school, work, and life are just gone.

On another note - the break has just begun and I have had a let down. Not to point fingers...Lisa MacPherson...but atleast I know she is somewhere she needs to be! I am so happy for her and Dustin. I hope they do extremely well in SLC.

On Saturday (The Birthday!) I will be going to CPK[California Pizza Kitchen] for lunch with those that are here and I will definitely be having some wonderful BBQ Chicken Pizza! Later on, we will go to BJ's and I will indulge myself in a Pizooki! (No clue if thats how it is spelt!)

Need to be taking pictures more often, the weeks events need to be cataloged for those of you not here to see!:)

Can't wait for the upcoming days. My imminent future doesn't seem so apocalyptic anymore, and I plan to keep it that way...atleast until Spring Break ends!
-LM

Things Always Feel...Apocalyptic?

Let me start out by saying things always start feeling good, but that's only because you are tricking yourself.

Informatics class started today with the teacher talking about the upcoming budget cuts. She mentioned that Informatics was included in these cuts, as a possible target to cut. She continued to say that if it does get cut, the current students will still be able to finish graduating. However, if I were to say...fail this semesters class (which is a high possibility, I do NOT understand java at all) I would not be able to get my degree in Informatics at UNLV. Needless to say, my anxiety is taking the best of me. I try so hard to understand the material but it just does NOT connect. No one in there is approachable about getting help because they are all broken into their little cliques.

After that, Psychology is a joke. Stupid Class. We just took our third test in that class and I believe I did pretty well!
*Knock on Wood*
I should know the results of that test after Spring Break!

Ah...Spring Break...The week-long time period that I can forget that school is eating me alive! Hooray! At least I will have J'Aime in town as a distraction. School seems so much harder without her constantly nagging if I did my homework. Sure, its annoying - but it gets the job done! She is such a great support for me to get things done!

Spring break wont be a walk in the park though. I have an essay due in English, a java program due in informatics, math homework for 4 sections of matrixes, and psych homework due! Don't they realize its a vacation? Not a HW-cation? :(

I really need to jump on my own back and take control of things. Control will lead me to success and I need to succeed! I would HATE to fail a class! Waste of my time and money and its such a let down! This is my future, and I need it to be perfect!

-LM

Sunday Nights Seem So Lonely

This past week was pretty crazy. I finally was starting to get back into the groove of things...I was back to working a lot at Tropical Smoothie and I was trying to crack down on school again. However, I quickly realized that I was not catching back up.

School has turned into a giant stress nightmare this semester. My classes are taught by people that hardly know more on the topic then I do. Psychology is the worst. I listen to our teacher go on about how ninja's can dream about dinosaurs eating candy canes and it means that you were repressed as a child or I could not. Hopefully one day I can look back and say "I have no clue how I passed that class, but I did it!" At this current rate though, that option is becoming less and less likely. The class I am having the hardest time with is Informatics though. I'm sorry, but if you can not speak English well enough or loud enough for someone standing ten feet away to understand, you should not be allowed to teach at a university. Its unfair for the students because there are plenty of other qualified people that could teach a class that the students could understand.

On a brighter note, work has gotten much more enjoyable. I have some wonderful friends that work there that I love working with. Many of them have unknowingly provided me with the support that I have needed these past few months. These new friends I have made are there for me when I need them most and I thank them so much. Hopefully with this new schedule I have, I will be able to work with them more often and continue to grow this bond.

Another Sunday night has drawn to a close, and now my laptop must as well.

Goodnight.

-LM