The Life We Choose to Live

Well, once again I have failed to keep up with posting on this regularly. I should give up on that futile idea and just say that Ill update as I can :)

As far as that goes, where do I even begin?

Live is so crazy, and lately I have felt it. It's finally all caught up with me and has just been wearing me down. I always chalk it up to working too much or having too much homework, but that is SO not the case. I could handle that kind of work, because its not a heavy load. I need to find these stresses that are waying down on me, and fight them off. I shouldn't normally be tired on a Wednesday at 8p.m. but I am! However, i let the littlest of things annoy me some days. What kills me are the days when no one is grateful! Just the other day I held the door open for AT LEAST 4 elderly people. People that I would of hoped lived through chivalry and all that. NONE of them even thanked me or recognized me for my effort. I couldn't believe it! That wore me down so much when I went into work, and I could see my personality changed at the register.

Whats been hurting most lately I think is I just feel straight up lonely. The only family that I should/want to care about in Vegas right now is my mom. I miss my siblings to death and I love visiting Utah so much for that reason. I can see that they miss me when I am up there, but I don't know. It doesn't feel the same as when they visit. I do everything I can to spend every waking moment with them because they are only there for a few days. When I visit we just see each other when we can and call it good? I hate it so much! They are so much older, and I think that has always affected the relationship between us all(granted, we did have different mothers, but that never really mattered in my eyes). I wish I had a sibling my age...so I could have the relationship that my siblings have with each other. Being an only child is such a downfall that I wish I had control over, however that is completely beyond the scope of my powers and isn't even worth fantasizing about.

When I get back home, I am going to visit dads gravesite. I havent been there in much too long of a time and he needs to be seen more often. I love visiting him and cleaning off his stone. I feel like the gardener for him that he was for everyone else. Complete reminder of the circle of life in this world :). I wish he was around right now, I need a male role model. I need a father figure. I need a guiding light to shed some advice on what I need to do with my life. Im spinning down a pit of confusion on the next step in my life. I always ask myself"what would dad do?" and I can never really answer it with the certainty that he would actually do that. He was such an amazing role model that I will never be able to fill his shoes. I could try to be like him, try to make that impact on peoples lives like he did. I wont. I can't. Without his guiding light, I never will be able to.

....but I want to. I want to be who he was. I want to make people smile like he did. I want to make people remember me as a good man. I want people to know they can count on me. I want people to trust me. I want to be that warm spirit in the room. I want to be everyones friend.

Just tell me how...Show me what to do!

On the topic of what to do, I made a step to being more like my father today. I received the Melchezedik Priesthood, given to me by my brother, Matt. It was such a wonderful experience having it done by him. I truly felt like my dad was there, hands on my head with my brother. Inspiring him with things to say to bless me for my future, for my potential. I never will forget the feeling I had that day. Its not the first time I have felt my dad being with me, and I sure hope it isn't the last. Dustin was also able to step into the circle as well, and it was such a joy to have him there.

The male role models in life that I have are wonderful, but they're just not the right authority figure that I am seeking. I cant go to my brother for advice I would seek from my father. They sure are older but they aren't THAT much older :)

I swear I am bipolar when I write these...

A week or so ago, I realized that I want a fresh start. I dont know exactly what that means but it is what it is. I dont know if I need new people in my life, if I need a new location, or if I just need to change how I think about things. All I know is that change is around the corner and its ready to knock me on my heels if I am not ready.
I am not the biggest fan of change though. Its different, hard to adjust too, and most times others dont like it, even if you do. 9 times out of 10 there is some negative side to change. Cant please everyone right?

I will experience change, whether I want to or not.
Last question I have to ask however, is...
Will I be ready, to accept what has changed? or do I dismiss it as unneccesary?
-LM